“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” Carl Jung
Now that my birthday has past and I am over my fear of being forty, I have reflected on my last year of thirty-something. The last year of my life has been amazing. The growth I have experienced is beyond words. A year ago I felt I had wasted my life. After three failed marriages and numerous job changes, I felt like I was getting nowhere. I decided I had to make some serious changes in my life to feel complete. It was hard to take a deep look at myself. I always wanted to blame other people for my failures, but in reality the only common denominator was me. So I decided if I wanted things to change, I needed to look at myself and no one else.
As I began to examine myself, I feared that I would not like what I would find. It’s easy to live in denial and ignore all the serious faults we try to hide. Facing me was scary; I reached into depths never before explored. I discovered more about myself in one year than I had my previous lifetime. It was hard to face the truth about myself and admit the areas in my life where I did not honor myself or others. The deeper I dug, the more pain I revealed. Reliving the pain of my past was devastating. Feeling this pain for a second time and facing the consequences of such choices was harder than the initial hurt. As the pain subsided and the healing began, I realized how much I cheated myself and allowed others to harm me.
Once I learned how my past hurts had affected my life and would affect my future, I couldn’t ignore them anymore. Now that I was given all this knowledge about myself, I had to decide what to do with it. Armed with so many discoveries, I had to take immediate actions to change my future. If I kept living my life the same way I was only creating more destruction. Taking a deep look at me was difficult, but the freedom I received from it was worth so much more. I have awakened new talents and desires to lead my life in a more positive, fulfilling direction. Now I can really begin to live!